3 Rules of giving kids feedback

As a coach and a parent, I get constant feedback on what works with children when giving feedback to them for performance on the soccer field or their behavior at practices. Unfortunately, many coaches fail at their ability to properly motivate and balance their criticism. I’ve seen coaches who constantly criticize their players (U9s) to those who impart the fear of making a mistake into their players (U12s) to those that are extremely ineffective because they only know how to give good, nice, and positive feedback (U10s).

Each one of these coaches are making drastic mistakes and hurting the most important muscle of our young players, THEIR BRAINS. The damage to self-confidence and self-awareness can be extremely damaging to the player in the short term and eventually kill the passion that we so much want to see in our kids as they get into their most difficult teen years.

Parents and coaches alike can use the information below to help manage their “feedback” approach. Try it and see what the immediate effects are and once you see how well it works immediately, make it part of every interaction you have with your children and players. Then go get Mind Set, by Carol Dweck and begin to understand how important words are to affecting those little people we are molding.

The below is taken from MindSet Works:

Rule #1: When things go wrong, keep it real.  It’s not easy to tell a child that they screwed up, and knowing this may cause anxiety, disappointment or embarrassment.  But don’t make the mistake of protecting a child’s feelings at the expense of telling them what they truly need to hear.  Remember that without honest feedback, kids can’t possibly figure out what to do differently next time.

Also, don’t take away a child’s sense of responsibility for what went wrong (assuming he or she is in fact to blame), just because you don’t want to be “hard” on them.  Letting children off the hook for their own mistakes, telling them that they “tried their best” when it’s clear that they didn’t, may leave kids feeling powerless to improve.

Rule #2: When things go wrong, fight self-doubt.  Children need to believe that success is within reach, no matter what mistakes they have made in the past.  To do this,

• Be specific.   What needs improvement, and what exactly can be done to improve?

• Emphasize actions that they have the power to change. Talk about aspects of performance that are under their control, like the time and effort that were put into a practicing, or the study method which was used.

• Avoid praising effort when it didn’t pay off. Many parents try to console their child by saying things like “Well honey, you didn’t do very well, but you worked hard and really tried your best.”  Why does anyone think that this is comforting?  For the record – it’s not.  (Unless, of course, it was a no-win situation from the start).

Studies show that, after a failure, being complimented for “effort” not only makes kids feel stupid, it also leaves them feeling like they can’t improve.  In these instances, it’s really best to stick to purely informational feedback – if effort isn’t the problem, help them figure out what is.

Rule #3: When things go right, avoid praising ability.  I know we all like to hear how smart and talented we are, and so naturally we assume that it’s what kids want to hear too.  Of course they do.  But it’s not what they need to hear to stay motivated.

Studies conducted by Carol Dweck and her colleagues show that when children are praised for having high ability, it leaves them more vulnerable to self-doubt when they are faced with a challenge later.  If being successful means that a child is “smart,” then they’re likely to conclude that they aren’t smart when having a harder time.

Make sure that you also praise aspects of your child’s performance that were under their control.  Talk about a creative approach, careful planning, persistence and effort, and a positive attitude.  Praise actions, not just abilities. That way, when your child runs into trouble later on, they’ll remember what helped them to succeed in the past and put that knowledge to good use.

Sound advice from a great organization, now go get that book (Mind Set) and get better at molding your children and/or your players.